Tough stuff

What the hell to do??? huh!? ..
It is hard enough trying to find my path. Sometimes it is super tough to find what to do with your life.  Especially when you measure success by who you are and have become and not how much capital($) you have made. When people around you, through their conversations express a concern or opinion about you that does speak to you....it really does.....that is the only reason (maybe not ?)  why it would bother me so much.
The major reason that makes me feel "not" successful is that I have always wanted to live by myself and fend for myself. Go through good and bad by myself and see what's up with that. I have not done it. And if I haven't done it until now....what the hell will make me or aid me to do it any later. I have loved exploration for so long....it is nothing new.
What pisses me off...is that it takes somebody to wake me up. Why am I not self-motivated.
I can surely argue that I am, because I am passionate and opinionated  and have strong convictions about certain things. I love independence so much that I cannot settle even to run away from this life to go and find a "freer" (?) one next to a good friend.
The thing is that one thing I know that has defined me for a while now....is that I would rather do it right, my way! or not do it at all.
That sure sounds tootie fruity and powerful. But is it really?? or am I just lazy???? I know it is powerful. It is. But having such fantastical thinking might just make me a nobody.
I am somebody.... I am wonderful when I choose to be....IT just takes a choice that with time becomes a conviction and takes you to unimaginable places. What does matter is to take a chance, whatever it is and see where it takes you.
It is tough stuff

it hurts!!!

It hurts to realize that you have been living a lie! IT HURTS TO FIND OUT THAT YOU ARE NOT AS GENUINE AND TRUE TO YOUR NATURE as you thought you were!! it sucks to realize that you have always been looking for the truth and demanding truth from the world when you deceive your feelings and instead use pure logic and calculations to make fundamental decisions.
If I call myself a human , why do I reprimand my vulnerability and actively participate in the deterioration of my soul by hiding all that sets me apart from animals and robots. This hurts too bad.